MOTOR-BLOG from Coventry

Ah, those were the days. When sports cars were for real men -and featured no cup holders, no electronic traction control to hide behind, with plenty of wheelspin and oversteer…

In a bid to stave off bancruptcy, but spectaculary missing the mark somewhat, the ailing Ford Corporation launch their new ‘carbon neutral’ environmentally friendly truck…

 

 Okay, so I’m messing with you, I made all that up. This photo was randomly plundered courtesy of Mr Internet - but look at the size of that thing… I don’t think that people would be cutting you up if you popped down to the shops in this beast, do you?

So it’s not new news in itself - Car magazine printed spy shots of the facelifted Xtype in July 2007, but I’d never seen one before out on the road and I managed to get a snap of it. This facelifted model will go on sale in March of this year and it is an improvement over the original Xtype which was a design disaster as far as I’m concerned.

The X types headlights are far too small - still are on the new model - giving the car a sneaky, squinty untrustworthy kind of a look. Also the grille was always way too small - resembling the awful plastic grilles Rover stuck on their 200 and 400 series a few years back to try and make them look ‘more upmarket’ and less like a Honda. That didn’t work either…

 This facelifted model has adopted (like everyone else) the now old hat Mercedes indicators in the wing mirrors thang. Capital idea, until someone clunks your mirror and you have to fork out several hundred pounds to buy a new one…

 Luckily the new Xtype has a XF style Grille which is slightly larger and features a large version of Jaguars iconic ‘Growler’ motif, but the grille isn’t quite large enough for my liking. As they have redesigned the bumpers too, why couldn’t they have extended the grille down into the bumper like Audi have on their cars. It would look so much better…

 

I say it when I refer to this car but in fact there was about a dozen, all silver and all driving on one of Jaguars old test routes that they used from Browns Lane (RIP). How do I know that this was an old test route I hear you ask? Well about twenty years ago I was cycling down one of these lanes with a friend and was almost run over by a Jaguar XJ220 out on test about a year before it was released for sale. I wish I’d had a camera with me that day I can tell you.

Here’s my (extremely) quick and quite crap rendering of how I would have facelifted the Xtype. Bigger MK1 XJ6 style grille, extending down into bumper area. Larger more aggressive round headlamps with smaller round inner lights all housing in one unit to give a scowling mean look. Round foglights and different bumper treatment.

Again, sorry for the crappy rendering, that’s probably why I’m not a car designer…

Well it’s come around quickly again - another new series of Fifth gear. That’s two series on from the Tim Lovejoy stint at the helm, which was OK I guess, but not great. A lot of people I know (and from what I hear at work) haven’t got a lot of time for this programme, but I think that Fifth Gear are getting the mix about right.

Now that the ‘New style’ Top Gear is not as fresh as it once was (which it isn’t) and old Jezza Clarkson’s totally predictable ’stick with the same old bullshit’ is back with a vengence i.e. - old cars are crap, BL cars are rubbish, anything under 200bhp is worthless, old cars are owned by blokes with beards drinking real ale, etc. etc, etc ad nauseum, the old style magazine car review programme has actually become attractive again.

For a start, reviewing cars that people may want to buy is a good thing. The first programme in the series pitched the new Citroen 4×4 against an old 2cv bought for £800. The 4×4 won of course, but would have shed well over £800 in depreciation as soon as it had the first name on the log book. Well you do the maths, the 2cv wins in my book and will be worth more than that 4×4 thing in eight years time. While we’re on the subject - thank goodness for Jonny Smith.

At last a bloke who loves old cars and doesn’t look like Chris Goffey (bless you Chris) and here’s the thing, Jonny Smith comes into our office from time to time and he is a genuine bona fide car enthusiast plus a nice bloke to boot. Anyone who is spending large amounts of time (and no doubt money) building himself a V6 powered Allegro can’t be bad in my book.

Making fun of older cars and people who own them is simply lazy, lazy journalism (says the motoring journalist who has only been doing it for a few months i.e. me, so don’t take my word for it - nevertheless it is lazy…fact) so when a programme like Fifth Gear bucks this trend it buys itself some credibility. Lets face it, Top Gear is a very successful entertainment programme that just happens to have the odd car or two in it. Top Gear is now more about the presenters than the cars.

The formula goes like this: Make fun of James ‘Captain Slow’ May’s sense of direction/hair/clothes then make fun of Richard ‘the hampster’ Hammond’s teeth/height/daytime TV presenting. Then have Jeremy Clarkson driving really badly in a car that no-one could afford - driving said car on the track using no more skill than turn in, boot the throttle to spin the car. Then film the car going backwards out of control whilst still in a forward gear to a cacophany of tyre squeal and smoke. Then cut and edit later to make it look as if Clarkson is doing a great powerslide. Simple.

Throw in a smattering of phrases to describe the supercars featured - ‘epic’ is a popular one which seems to be used in every episode. Then buy something old, trot out a load of outdated, wholly inaccurate and mostly false twoddle, plus undo some bolts and loosen some handbrake cables so that the cars fall apart/don’t stop/breakdown for good measure. Drive to Slough, and then smash them up (preferably into a caravan or two) whilst awarding yourself points for doing so. No matter what the outcome, Clarkson MUST win. Finally, end the programme by uttering the line ‘..and on that bombshell…’ and there you go - the Top Gear formula for world domination. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love watching Top Gear - for a start it’s a car related programme that my girlfriend and I can sit down and watch together, which makes a nice change, and the experience that the presenters have in motoring journalism is in no doubt. I like Jeremy Clarkson, James May and Richard Hammond, they are a good team and the show is really put together well - it’s just that it’s getting a bit up it’s own arse for my liking, and becoming predictable. In fact the only thing that really surprised me was the treatment of the Peel P50 - quite refreshing that was, so perhaps there’s hope yet.

 If only Fifth Gear would stop trying to compete with it and doing it’s own half arsed stunts (with obviously very little budget) I’d be happy. Fifth Gear should forge it’s own path instead, becoming the very best and informative motoring magazine programme on the TV. There is room for both Top and Fifth Gear(s) to flourish , and in this time of everythings the fault of cars and we’re all gonna die because of them absolute bullshit which we are enduring at the moment, we might well be in for a TV car programme renaissance.

I for one hope so.