MOTOR-BLOG from Coventry

Did anyone see the programme on Channel 5 last night about the bloke who loves his VW Beetle? I love cars all right, but not like that…

It’s just come on the telly again, the new Jag XF advert. What are they thinking? At last Jaguar have a model line up to be proud of (we’ll forget about the X type for now - ahem) and the XF is great. Shame about the ad…

Do the good folks at Jag who commission these ads not watch the telly? While Honda are making endearingly clever ads, and Audi and BMW make moody, technologically advanced ones (that actually might make you want to go and buy one), Jag seem to stick with the ‘Lifestyle’ ad.

You know the sort - with two grinning attractive model types driving with some awful middle of the road music over the top. They are (of course) always white, middle class, slightly too young to be driving such an expensive car, and utterly, utterly hateful, horrid, smug, yuppie types.

What the ?????

It’s time to ‘fess up about my guilty pleasure. I’m talking about the street where the sun always shines - yep, the good ol’ folks of Ramsay Street. Neighbours is now on Channel Five, and thank goodness - for now they repeat it at 7.00 on five life, which means that I can now watch it again after many months’ of Neighbourlessness.

This is a great victory for me, as the previous occupant of this slot was Dawsons’ Creek, which helen loves and used to make me watch. Now I never have to see Katie Holmes and her inane hampster-like grin, or Dawson with his ridiculously floppy ‘Hugh Granty’ hair ever again.

The only one I ever had time for was ‘Bad Boy’ Pacey, mainly because he slept with his teacher and had an older brother who was a cop. A gay cop. And he drove a Jeep station wagon that had plastic wood down the sides (a Jeepster? - I can’t remember now), and latterly drove a BMW because he became a stock broker or something, I don’t know. Load of bloody rubbish.

Neighbours on the other hand - what a top quality production. Ah, the sun, the pool parties, the constant flow of orange juice from bashed up 1960’s American Refridgerators. Holdens with bloody big V8’s painted in pastel colours. Ace. I think they may have changed the theme tune a bit, which would annoy me greatly, but I didn’t see the beginning so I can’t tell just yet. I shall report back if I find out…

Well anyhoo, I bet you’re all wondering what the hell I’m whittering on about? Well in this particular episode of Neighbours, there was a scene at that most excellent bastion of Ozzie healthcare - the one and only Erinsborough Hospital.  I am overjoyed to tell you that they have at last changed the external shot of the hospital - the old one really used to annoy me.

Why? Well for the last five years there has been a Land Rover discovery parked in the very same spot in the hospital car park. Now I always try to park in the same spot at work - and usually it works too. But every day for five years? Give me a break. Not possible. I don’t believe it. You’ll be telling me next that Ramsay Street doesn’t even really exist… Tsk! What is the world coming to?

Well it’s come around quickly again - another new series of Fifth gear. That’s two series on from the Tim Lovejoy stint at the helm, which was OK I guess, but not great. A lot of people I know (and from what I hear at work) haven’t got a lot of time for this programme, but I think that Fifth Gear are getting the mix about right.

Now that the ‘New style’ Top Gear is not as fresh as it once was (which it isn’t) and old Jezza Clarkson’s totally predictable ’stick with the same old bullshit’ is back with a vengence i.e. - old cars are crap, BL cars are rubbish, anything under 200bhp is worthless, old cars are owned by blokes with beards drinking real ale, etc. etc, etc ad nauseum, the old style magazine car review programme has actually become attractive again.

For a start, reviewing cars that people may want to buy is a good thing. The first programme in the series pitched the new Citroen 4×4 against an old 2cv bought for £800. The 4×4 won of course, but would have shed well over £800 in depreciation as soon as it had the first name on the log book. Well you do the maths, the 2cv wins in my book and will be worth more than that 4×4 thing in eight years time. While we’re on the subject - thank goodness for Jonny Smith.

At last a bloke who loves old cars and doesn’t look like Chris Goffey (bless you Chris) and here’s the thing, Jonny Smith comes into our office from time to time and he is a genuine bona fide car enthusiast plus a nice bloke to boot. Anyone who is spending large amounts of time (and no doubt money) building himself a V6 powered Allegro can’t be bad in my book.

Making fun of older cars and people who own them is simply lazy, lazy journalism (says the motoring journalist who has only been doing it for a few months i.e. me, so don’t take my word for it - nevertheless it is lazy…fact) so when a programme like Fifth Gear bucks this trend it buys itself some credibility. Lets face it, Top Gear is a very successful entertainment programme that just happens to have the odd car or two in it. Top Gear is now more about the presenters than the cars.

The formula goes like this: Make fun of James ‘Captain Slow’ May’s sense of direction/hair/clothes then make fun of Richard ‘the hampster’ Hammond’s teeth/height/daytime TV presenting. Then have Jeremy Clarkson driving really badly in a car that no-one could afford - driving said car on the track using no more skill than turn in, boot the throttle to spin the car. Then film the car going backwards out of control whilst still in a forward gear to a cacophany of tyre squeal and smoke. Then cut and edit later to make it look as if Clarkson is doing a great powerslide. Simple.

Throw in a smattering of phrases to describe the supercars featured - ‘epic’ is a popular one which seems to be used in every episode. Then buy something old, trot out a load of outdated, wholly inaccurate and mostly false twoddle, plus undo some bolts and loosen some handbrake cables so that the cars fall apart/don’t stop/breakdown for good measure. Drive to Slough, and then smash them up (preferably into a caravan or two) whilst awarding yourself points for doing so. No matter what the outcome, Clarkson MUST win. Finally, end the programme by uttering the line ‘..and on that bombshell…’ and there you go - the Top Gear formula for world domination. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love watching Top Gear - for a start it’s a car related programme that my girlfriend and I can sit down and watch together, which makes a nice change, and the experience that the presenters have in motoring journalism is in no doubt. I like Jeremy Clarkson, James May and Richard Hammond, they are a good team and the show is really put together well - it’s just that it’s getting a bit up it’s own arse for my liking, and becoming predictable. In fact the only thing that really surprised me was the treatment of the Peel P50 - quite refreshing that was, so perhaps there’s hope yet.

 If only Fifth Gear would stop trying to compete with it and doing it’s own half arsed stunts (with obviously very little budget) I’d be happy. Fifth Gear should forge it’s own path instead, becoming the very best and informative motoring magazine programme on the TV. There is room for both Top and Fifth Gear(s) to flourish , and in this time of everythings the fault of cars and we’re all gonna die because of them absolute bullshit which we are enduring at the moment, we might well be in for a TV car programme renaissance.

I for one hope so.